and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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