it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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