Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
