Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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