Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
