That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
