And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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