Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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