I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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