Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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