You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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