You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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