do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
