doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
