Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
