YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
