i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
