i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
