I'm going to jail i love you
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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