I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
