I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
