you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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