yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
