plz talk dirty to me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize