its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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