she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize