I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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