I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
