Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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