Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
