You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
