YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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