New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
