Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
