My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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