You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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