do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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