i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize