I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
