I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
