Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
