that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
