I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
