i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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