My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He passed out mid-signature
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
