You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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