I bet he comes in French.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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