A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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