i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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