Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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