At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
