Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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