Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
