she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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