my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We're too hungover to prance.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
