did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
