I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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