Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
