I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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